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Sugar Mumma Blues and Covid...

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I had a weird experience doing Covid- and noticed that the secret side of sex that surely would be kept out of contact records, is not being talked about in any media I've seen.
No, I didn't break rules. I didn't push to see the Sugar Daddy who stole my heart, even during the few weeks I found myself back in his strongly locked down city.
Which raises another issue... though I observed the RULES to a tee, is it all on us women, if we let 'feelings' grow?
Lol- I only met him once. We tried again to meet a couple of times, after an initial disappointing gap where he said he had to go a bit further underground; he was a partner in in a sexless marriage, but one for which he wanted to maintain respectability and decorum to the outside world. Therefore, there must be no disruption- I for one, couldnt understand his wife rejecting him...
He was a generous man, funny, confident- very devoted to the pleasure of women- but still I tossed and turned in my head as the months drew on, after he once again connected 18 months later about whether this arrangement was good for me- where I was always anxious about guarding his identity (most of which I knew little of!)...at the frustration of waiting for those rare opportunities where we MIGHT have met up again- if work didn't beckon. That by the time we connected online again, I'd said the sugar didnt matter , and sent him photos with my face preserved because I trusted him %100 (as much as, because neither of us would want public exposure).
I knew he had many lovers, and that was part of the agreement...not mine to change.
During Covid I took up lockdown residence a few hours away, between my home town and his; and was less invested- I'd in the end let the digital closeness fall away a few months before- and he suddenly contacted me out of the blue.
Just when I had nearly agreed to sell my house and give up the security of a home I'd sunk my little inheritance into... a difficult decision to make during 'Stay Home' orders. About to send a fateful text of YEs to selling, the green Whats Ap screen lit up with a cheery hello, and I took his timely text as a sign I was being watched over... didn't sell the house, stayed, and over lockdown we began to communicate intensely.
I shyly began to send him performance videos, and he praised me with great verve, and tasty descriptions of the ways he planned to turn me on.
We ventured into discussing politics- we were almost 180 degrees apart, but I liked seeing the world through someone else's eyes. I warned him I wasn't a fan of Trump, and never 'went there' in conversation. He had a freedom bug and dropped occasional notes of an intriguing history., which made sense of it..
When i prevaricated about whether it was wise for me to let myself express emotional attachment, he seemed angry I would need to hold back. I'd joke about him being 'so romantic'...yes. I sometimes felt uncomfortable with his intensity on certain subjects, but more than anything I was loving being seen, valued, wished goodnight and good morning, and wishing someone else...-alone in my house on an acre, just happy I existed to SOMEONE.
A few months later, having moves on from the house, closer to the city and then further away... I let our daily contact taper slowly down...I was close to finding some temporary work, and then got some! Aware of my search, which he'd steadily encouraging me in my efforts over the time we corresponded, he shot me a celebratory Popping champagne emoti- or was it a friendly ghost- or an orgasm emission?! As usual I wasnt sure if I really GOT his emotis- did he dash them off or choose carefully? During lockdown I'd shyly revealed dreams I was having about him, the first with us us accidentally half- kissing- how it had put me at ease (we never kissed during our one and only sugar exchange, awkwardly professional!) There had even been two dreams in which I'd met his wife, and she had liked me, or at least not made a fuss!)
My shielded question then put on the topic of kissing appeared to bring on regular KISS emotis, which I took to mean- real intimacy in some hopeful future.
.3 times in the last six weeks he'd mentioned health issues- his. A sudden sinus problem...coming in the heart of a foggy Southern winter.
Towards the end of that first lockdown I'd moved back to his city, very close to the beautiful mountain community he resided in- at the behest of a guy claiming he wanted to fix my other car that had hit a roo- so for some weeks I drove along the same roads as my mystery benefactor.
He knew I was sleeping in my van, behind local shops, and frequently enquired if I was warm and safe- on one night, if I knew if a storm was coming. I sent him snaps of the early morning moon on my way to the public toilet. On one evening, mentioned he'd actually driven past me while my old car was being towed- but no he didn't pull up. I pretended hilarity, but felt the tragedy. I longed to look at him, hear his voice- he was off to the mountains to work 5 am for a run of days for several weeks- clearing trees in storms...no availability to me,
I never thought to call him on the WhatsAp number; it seemed that would be invading his privacy- I always put his imagined secrecy needs (imagined by ME, I mean) foremost.
Eventually I drove my van back over the border in another wild storm, to a desert bush block near my hometown while I could still quarantine 14 days and stay.
In that period we sometimes had more time to type in real time...I was curious, and hinted: would he break the much harsher rules where he was, to keep up his generous appetities? He allowed he nearly did, one day, but something at work came up- but I wondered. I certainly hadnt insisted he meet me when we were so close, but under the first serious lockdonw- - though I longed for it. If anything happened, how would one deal with secret contact/affairs? How often did tha happen, I still wonder?
I could tell when his energy dropped, first that sinus thing- but we maintained daily contact- til a few weeks later: a few days silence- then a mention of health issues.
I wasnt overly worried, because I want trying to connect daily anymore. I thought I was showing a good move towards self-sufficiency: hey, job in the works, settled in a rented room for a change. From all his fatherly benevolence, I assumed he's be proud of me as I got my act together!
But a part of me was scared, and wanted to ask 'What have you got, this sickness? Are you okay?' ' which i intellectually supressed (dont ask: he wont want me to act like he's got a weakness- not that free man of pride!!)
The last message I ever received late September, was that he had been in bed all day, sick as a dog...and a 'Sorry', and xoxo.

I kick myself now- from the symbols that appear, it looked like he read my reply, which i cant believe apart from an immediate platitude (about keeping warm and getting better), I left a gap of a couple of days, again assuming it would please him that I was busy and fulfilled... finally, he, (or someone? Not him??), read my breezy fina

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I kick myself now- from the symbols that appear, it looked like he read my reply, which i cant believe, apart from an immediate platitude (about keeping warm and getting better), I left a gap of a couple of days, again assuming it would please him that I was busy and fulfilled... Finally, he, (or someone? NOT him??), read my breezy final messages - I see the two blue ticks.
And then they stop.
That leaves me here today, and for several days- caught on a thorn of grieving, for someone I don't even know (certainly not their real name)- for a fate I may never know...for offers made which i couldn't take up, for missed connections and devastating postponed pleasure...for scraps of a fascinating history he sometimes revealed, but i never asked him to elaborate on, cos I didn't want to pry ...
I feel like a fool in so many ways, for not being as raw the rest of the time, as he let me be that one time I lay on a motel bed, aware he wouldn't curtail the eternity I could yield to, inviting me to fully open and receive the most aware lavishing of sensitive sacred places I've ever known...
I feel dulled with the not knowing now, I search the death notices, business ads looking for his?, and other Sugar Babies pages, who may have news of him.
I countenance whether he got tired of me, was I too open in chatting about life? did I not maintain the flirtation and banter right...or it was NOT my fault at all, he really was sick, he's passed away- or was busted!
One way or another, he wasn't able to tell me...and chances are, he did mean the Sorry- and the xoxo.
I dont know- probably never will- it hurts- and for sometime I'll now and then fall into a heap crying, and speak out loud :BABE. Where are you? Let me know- give me a sign...please, babe...